No visit to Bangkok is complete without a night at Patpong; one of many famous red-light districts and night markets of the Siamese capital. It becomes quickly understandable why this area is also called the Amsterdam of Asia. Far and wide and on every corner there are bars, strip and sex shows, private shows, ping-pong, banana and dozens of other shows a man could only dream of. The first impression is of course to think that this is paradise on earth. Half-naked Thai go-go girls dancing seductively around their iron poles, young and attractive women that let you do anything for a bit of change and all sorts of other services are offered to satisfy a man’s need. Great! Now, where to start? It is nearly impossible – no, it even is impossible – to miss any of the special services Patpong offers, as you will be jumped on every few steps by a guy asking in broken English: “you, you, sex show, ping-pong show?”, while showing a small card where every possible show of your most intimate and fetish dreams are listed.

You probably just took your first few steps on this vibrant and colorful soil and want to explore the area a bit more before sitting back and enjoying one of the shows with a pint of cool local beer. You are also probably wearing shorts with flip-flops and, in the worst case, walking around with a back-back and are therefore the perfect picture-book example of a tourist. What am I trying to say? Obviously, I’m not talking about your looks, but more about the smell of your wallet stuffed with freshly withdrawn grey bills and a couple of credit cards as reserve.
You kindly refuse the guy’s offer with a smile and keep on walking as you realize he is following you. This time he takes out another card where the prices of drinks are listed and shouts: “Sir, beer one-hundred Baht, no extra-charge. You look first!” Again, you kindly reject his offer, but this time with a more annoyed expression. He keeps on following you until the point where you can’t be bothered anymore and start to ignore him. Well done! You absolutely took the correct decision. This is probably the only choice you’ve got; despite the fact you did not want to be rude. However, your next few steps won’t differ much from the ones just left behind. Dozens of other bothersome workers and shop owners are waiting to overwhelm you with different proposals and goods to sell. The smell of your wallet has attracted the sharks! But hey, bare in mind, they are just doing their job.
After understanding the concept of how to get rid of those guys, you finally can take your first big breath and enjoy the beautiful scene of the red-light district in serene harmony…more or less. To your left there are go-go bars, beer bars and other sex shows where a view at half-naked dancers is granted. To your right an endless chain of stands selling fake brand and designer goods of cheap to superior quality; DVDs of all your favorite shows, series and movies; souvenirs of all kinds, and so on.
Walking around in that overcrowded area with sweaty foreigners, half-naked Thai girls and annoying shop owners can be exhausting. So you finally decide to settle down and enjoy one of them shows.
All the way back where everything started, you take a look at the cards that several workers have presented at the beginning. “You, ping-pong show, banana show. Just look, no extra-charge. Beer 60 Baht.” That sounds quite interesting to a fair price. So you follow the guy – sometimes around the corner into an alley, sometimes right at the spot on the 1st floor.

Inside the dusky and more or less empty place, you quickly are surrounded by dozens of females and lady boys that welcome you with a big caressing smile. Dressed in bikini, they escort you to a free seat with a wonderful view on stage where several naked girls are inserting bananas and ping-pong balls into their intimate area. The servant appears within seconds and takes your order. “One Beer Chang, please”. The girls sitting all around you give you an awkward look. “You no buy drink for me?” one of the girls asks while stroking your knee. Not knowing how to respond to this sudden and demanding question, you just smile and say maybe afterwards in a hesitating tone. While waiting for the beer, you make yourself comfortable and take a closer look at ‘your’ girls. But what you are about to witness goes beyond your expectations...

With stunned eyes, you stare into a bunch of fat, old, ugly girls and lady boys; everything else than turning on. Maybe there are one or two cute looking ones among them, but they usually don’t pay you any attention. “Well, at least there is that ping-pong and banana thing to complete my first visit to Patpong”, you might think, and begin to enjoy the ongoing show. That’s what you think! Again, you realize that these are mostly mature females and lady boys; everything else than attractive! At the same time, your beer arrives. No time for taking a first sip as you raise in shock when the servant immediately stretches out the bill that states, black on white, 400 Baht – 200 Baht for one Beer Chang and another 200 for looking at the show. Confused and shocked, you tell her that the guy who brought you here told you clearly: 60 Baht for a beer and no extra fees. The servant, seemingly not to give a damn, explains: “First beer 200 Baht, next beer 60 Baht. Look at show, 200 Baht. Total 400 Baht. Give money!” Mystified and disgusted by her attitude, the prices, the girls and the show, you choke your beer and leave the club.

- Welcome to Patpong.

Notes

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